How to Have a Performance Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding

In a recent workshop I was facilitating on coaching employees, an executive shared that she had been avoiding a difficult conversation with a long-term employee for over a year. She admitted feeling embarrassed saying it out loud because she knew it should have been addressed much sooner. Almost immediately, several other leaders spoke up and shared that putting off difficult conversations was one of their biggest challenges as a leader.

No leader wakes up excited to deal with people problems all day. Most leaders are already juggling a full plate—managing projects, meeting deadlines, supporting their team, and keeping up with their own workload. When an employee performance issue arises, it can feel like one more challenge to fit into an already packed schedule. As a result, it often gets pushed aside for a day when there might be more time or energy to address it. Before you know it, time has passed, and the issue doesn’t feel as urgent anymore.

In my experience as an executive coach, this is one of the most common leadership challenges. The reasons leaders avoid these conversations vary. Some worry it will feel confrontational and want to avoid creating tension. Others know it may be uncomfortable and hesitate to address it directly. And often, leaders are simply busy managing everything else on their plate, so the conversation keeps getting pushed aside. Whatever the reason, the issue tends to linger longer than it should.

The good news is that these conversations don’t have to feel confrontational. When approached thoughtfully, they can be productive, respectful discussions that clarify expectations and help everyone move forward. Here are seven strategies for approaching a performance discussion that you have been putting off.

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1. Reframe Your Mindset: From Confrontation to Conversation

Most leaders put off these conversations because of how they frame them in their mind. They think of them as confrontations—tense, uncomfortable situations where someone may get defensive or upset. When you see a conversation that way, it’s easy to keep pushing it off and hoping the issue will resolve itself.

A more helpful approach is to reframe the conversation. Instead of viewing it as confrontation, think of it as a productive conversation to work through an issue that is affecting the employee, the team, or the work. The goal is not to criticize or create tension, but to gain clarity about what’s happening and identify a path forward.

As a leader, you are not expected to walk into the conversation with all the answers or to fix everything in that moment. Your role is to facilitate the discussion, understand what is contributing to the issue, and help create clear expectations moving forward. When you approach the conversation this way, it takes much of the pressure off you as a manager and makes the discussion far more constructive for both you and the employee.

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2. Start the conversation by taking ownership

If the issue has been building for a while, the most effective place to begin is by acknowledging that the conversation should have happened sooner. This lowers defensiveness and sets a respectful tone.

You might say something like:

"I wanted to meet with you today to discuss a performance issue. I also want to acknowledge that I should have had this conversation with you sooner, and for that I take responsibility. I’d like us to talk through what’s been happening so we can move forward productively."

Taking ownership demonstrates humility and reinforces that the goal of the conversation is improvement, not blame.

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3. Be curious rather than commanding

When leaders feel frustrated, it can be tempting to come into the conversation with a list of directives. A more productive approach is to stay curious and invite the employee into the discussion.

Ask questions to understand what may be contributing to the issue, such as:

• “Can you walk me through what’s been happening from your perspective?”

• “What challenges have you been running into with this work?”

• “What is getting in the way of meeting these expectations?”

• “Over the past year, I’ve noticed you have been frequently late to work. What’s going on?”

Sometimes the issue is related to priorities, workload, or unclear expectations. Other times there may be a skill gap or something personal affecting performance. Asking thoughtful questions helps you understand the full picture before deciding on the best path forward.

Curiosity doesn’t mean avoiding accountability, it simply means taking the time to understand the situation so you can address it more effectively.

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4. Focus on specific observations, not built-up frustration

When an issue has been building for a while, it’s easy to unload everything at once out of frustration. That rarely leads to a productive conversation.

Instead, focus on clear and specific observations about performance, such as:

• Missed deadlines on recent projects

• Errors in work that required rework

• Delayed responses to colleagues or clients

• Expectations that were not met

Avoid vague statements like, “Your performance hasn’t been great lately.”

Clarity helps the employee understand exactly what needs to change. It’s also appropriate to explain the impact the issue is having on you or the team, but doing so in a calm, measured way will help keep the conversation constructive and focused on solutions.

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5. Reset expectations clearly

After discussing the issue, it’s helpful to shift the conversation toward ownership and solutions. Rather than telling the employee exactly what to do next, use questions that encourage them to think about how they will address the issue and meet expectations moving forward.

This approach keeps the employee actively engaged in solving the problem instead of passively receiving direction. It also reinforces that they are responsible for improving the situation.

You might ask questions such as:

· What will you do to make sure you are on time to work starting tomorrow?

· What are your ideas for fixing this issue?

· What support do you need to meet these expectations?

· What ideas do you have for ensuring accuracy in the reports?

These types of questions prompt the employee to reflect on their behavior and take ownership of the solution. It also allows you to understand how they are thinking about the problem and whether their plan is realistic.

If their response is unclear or incomplete, you can guide the conversation by asking follow-up questions or clarifying expectations. The goal is not to leave the solution entirely open-ended, but to involve the employee in creating a clear path forward. When employees articulate their own plan for improvement, they are often more committed to following through.

At times, however, you may need to take a more direct approach. It’s okay to be clear and upfront about what you need to see going forward. It’s also appropriate to be clear about the consequences. For example, you might say: “This issue is getting in the way of the expectations for this role. I want to be clear that if this doesn’t improve over the next few weeks, it could impact your employment.” Being direct about expectations and potential consequences ensures there is no confusion about the seriousness of the situation.

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6. Agree on a plan for improvement

Once you have discussed possible solutions, outline what support and accountability will look like. This could include:

• Additional training

• More frequent check-ins

• Clear milestones for improvement

• Written goals or expectations

The goal is not just to address the problem, but to create a clear path forward. Be sure to document the conversation according to your organization’s policy. Because the issue has been ongoing, some form of written documentation or a formal warning may be appropriate. Your human resources team can help guide you on the best way to handle this, and ensure the situation is addressed properly.

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7. Schedule a follow-up conversation

Don’t let this be a one-time conversation. One mistake leaders often make after finally addressing an issue is having an initial conversation and then not following up.

Before the meeting ends, schedule a follow-up meeting. This could be a quick conversation in a week or two to review progress and reinforce expectations. During that time, look for improvement, acknowledge what’s going well, and address anything that still needs attention.

Performance conversations work best when they are part of an ongoing dialogue, not a single conversation. Consistent follow-up shows the employee that the issue matters and that you are committed to resolving the issue.

Addressing performance issues is not the easiest part of leadership, but avoiding the conversation allows problems to build up and affect the team. When you address issues directly and respectfully and approach the conversation as a facilitator rather than a fixer, you can handle tough discussions with greater confidence while maintaining a team culture that is positive and productive.

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